Love gets more complicated.

I thought that love would get simpler, somehow.  I don't know where that belief came from, but I had it.

And then I met this guy.  He is all kinds of wonderful.  He's got it all. He's kind, hard-working, loves God, has his own business, own house, own car, is geeky, and is a blast to spend time with.  And he's attractive to boot.  And I like him.  And he likes me.  

And we can't be together.

It's too complicated.  Life is complicated, work is busy, and it won't work.  The result of our last conversation was: this was nice, 'we' are nice, but it doesn't work. Life doesn't let it work. The timing is wrong.  And that's all true.

It makes my heart sore to think that it can't work.  It's so much easier to end when there are more things wrong.  At least if there was a disagreement, or there were something wrong, or somehow else it wasn't a fit. It almost makes it worse that so much of it seemed to work, and so little of it doesn't.

But that "little" is an important "little" that outweighs the rest.

I don't really think that these things are "fated."  I don't believe in soul mates or that God has just one person in mind for anyone.  But in times like this, I can't help but think that it just "wasn't meant to be."  If it could work, it would work.  

But it doesn't, and I guess that is that.

This is a new hurt for me.  I'm not heart broken, just sad.  It's unfortunate.  It's a pain.  

And now I get to get back to the playing field and try again.  I get to experience new awkwardness (ever had a conversation about mixed martial arts for an hour?  I have.), new excitement, and new disappointment.  All for that hope that somewhere out there, there's a fit.  The right guy.  A spark. Good timing.  One time, it'll work.  I have hope.

But meanwhile, it just sucks.  I hate this.  I hate these hard situations.  

But this is love, right?  Beautiful, complex, difficult, exciting.  It's all a part of living life.  

So I'll take it in stride, pick it all up, and keep on living.  On to the next.

Seek perspective. A lot.

Last week was rough.  Real rough.

I faced my worst soccer fear: my second (read: this exact thing happened before) left eye injury at my soccer game.  The nurse may have thrown around the phrase retinal detachment.  I may have had a slight, 6-hour mini panic attack. (Turns out, my eye is fine.)

The next day, I had the worst fever of my life.  I literally thought I was dying.

And then, I ripped the side view mirror off my car. I hit my own garage, first thing in the morning.

Mix that with challenges in my personal life, romantic life, the toughest work load, small crises in my family life, and my crappy attitude, and last week was pretty awful.

But the real reason why it was so bad?  I was too focused on myself, in my little head, focused on my little life.  I lost vision of the big picture, I overlooked God's perspective, I let myself wallow.  I could explain it away pretty nicely with the physical pain, maybe the financial pain (turns out, replacing a side view mirror is pricey), or just the stress of life.  But those are excuses.

I let my circumstances dictate my mood and my outlook.

I had it backwards.

What got me out of the funk?  No, it wasn't just a turn for the better of my circumstances (since then, I've broken my work phone and other "fun" life challenges). It was perspective.

I took all day yesterday to be in nature.  It's what I love most and by far the best way for me to clear my head.  I went on a couple of short hikes, ate lunch under the redwoods, prayed, and read.  And you know what?  Getting into nature, out of my routine and my own head, made a profound difference.

I had to get outside my own head to give room for God to speak into my life.  And my challenges all of a sudden look really small when I take off my blinders and let God's perspective sink in.

Life will be tough.  Challenges will come. The strong and the wise choose their mood, choose their outlook, and attack their circumstances with valiant enthusiasm and the perspective that the harder moments are small in the scheme of things, only opportunities to grow and learn.

You can't think that way if your focus is so narrow that all you can see is you and what's happening in your immediate surrounding.  You've (and I've) got to make it a point to seek perspective.  And often.

If you're in a funk, remove yourself from your routine and reflect.  Pray.  Read the newspaper.  Get into nature.  Do something to remind yourself that life is bigger and more important than your challenges.  And then watch your challenges become smaller, more manageable - and let the journey become more enjoyable in the process.

You're uncomfortable, and that's okay.

The last couple of years since I graduated college have been an adventure in figuring out who I am and where I want my life to go.  But I have to say, I wasn't prepared for it at all.  Why doesn't anyone really ever mention just how challenging the post-college, 20-something years are?  Why no warnings of how hard, confusing, and awkward it is?

One of the best things I have learned in my 20-somethinghood is how to embrace the challenge and the uncertainty that comes with it.  Basically, I just had to learn that in all situations, it's okay.

Don't know what choice is the right one?  Think you made a mistake?
Questioning your career path?
Make a fool of yourself at work?
Social life not as booming as the college years?
Going through the socially awkward reality that is making adult friendships?

It's okay.  It just is.  Life isn't going to be perfect now, or ever.

Oh, and you know that friend your age who landed their dream job, is happily married, bought a house, adopted a puppy, and still is out every weekend posting fabulous pictures of their dream adventures coming to life?  Ya, their life isn't perfect either.  If they were honest, they'd tell you.  Or, maybe they're delusional.

But the point is, no one has their act so together that they don't run into hard, stressful, depressing, or awkward situations at least some of the time.

The corny saying is totally right: life is about the journey.  It's about stupid choices.  It's about missing family and close friends who are living across the state or across the world.  It's about every weird encounter you have as you try to connect with new friends.  It's about that terrible date where you had nothing in common and that strange relationship choice you make ("what was I thinking?").  It's about making tough choices where there is no "right" answer.  It's about screwing up at work and making yourself look like a fool to the boss and coworkers that you bust your ass trying to impress.  It's about coming to terms with your own fragility and mortality, and that of those around you.

And it's also about those few great friends you make who become like family.  It's about getting to know your actual family as an adult, and enjoying them for the people you never realized they were.  It's about that ridiculously fun date that didn't end up going anywhere, and feeling okay with leaving it at that.  It's about cherishing phone appointments, Skype hangouts, and those rare occasions when you get to see the people who matter most.  It's about discovering all the things you love that make you feel absolutely alive.  It's about the risks you take that turn out in a best-case-scenario kind of way.  It's about finally getting recognition for working so hard.  It's about feeling good because you volunteer, lend a hand, donate, and do all you can to make a difference.

And it's okay.  It's all okay.  You bask in the good and inspirational moments that give you the fuel to take life by the horns and keep at it.  You don't take yourself too seriously.  When the harder times come, you realize that they'll pass, and you'll be a better person on the other side of the challenge.

Embrace it.  Just embrace the awkwardness of this life stage.  Take it for what it is, soak in every moment, the good and the bad, and learn from your mistakes.  You'll feel uncomfortable.  And it's okay.

I believe in regrets.

I don't believe in a life without regrets, but I equally don't believe in dwelling in the past.

I'm not afraid of my past.  I'm not afraid of the mistakes I've made, and I'm not embarrassed of the fact that they were, in fact, mistakes.  Sometimes, I have poor judgement.  Sometimes, I slip up.  Sometimes, I just drop the ball.

I regret the bad decisions, I don't regret the life lessons that followed.  I am proud of the person I am, I am proud of the lessons I learn after I recognize what the wrong decisions are.

I am thankful for what God's mercy has taught me in the realm of moving on with my life.  If God can forgive me in the grandest and widest frame of what matters, then I can extend forgiveness to myself.  It's peaceful knowing I can rest in God's mercy, God's grace, and my own freedom to move forward.  

Stronger, better, wiser, forward.

I'm not afraid of risks.  Sometimes they turn out to be as dangerous as I thought, like my last big endeavor, but that's okay.  It's what risks are.  And I like taking them.  I know what I'm risking when I do.  I'll act out of my limited measure of wisdom to risk that my decision is a poor one.  To risk that it will end badly.

This last time, it wasn't a mistake. I don't regret the risk, the time I spent, the emotions, the investment.  I don't regret the things I did or said or felt.  Maybe there were a few in there that weren't the best decisions of my life, but overall it wasn't bad.

So I do hold regrets.  I just don't regret this.  The risk, the hurt, or the experience.  The out come might be unfortunate, but regret doesn't cross my heart.