My Heart Breaks

Psalm 11:5
The LORD tests the righteous,
         But the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul hates.

Romans 12:17-21

"Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, butrather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Therefore


      “ If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
      If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
      For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”
   

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

I feel like when God inspired Romans 12:21, he was thinking about how I would feel at this exact moment and what he'd need to say to calm me down.

The violence is awful.  The repaying of peaceful protest with brutality is horrible.  This is wrong, in every way.  Wrong.

I love that God is a God of peace, forgiveness, and love.  And at times like this, I really need that reminder to forgive.  To forgive those police, to love those who agree with this violence, to have mercy towards the media outlets that love showing this kind of news in other countries, but refuse to pay attention when it happens in their own country.

Peace.  Forgiveness.  Mercy.

Our God is a good God.  I couldn't be more glad to know Him, especially in hard times like this.

Reality Sinking In

This has been a week of reality in all its measures for me.

The joy of successful work, excitement about God, the treat of being among much of my college community, the homecoming of a housemate, new life.

The stomach pains, the stink of death around those close to me, the stresses upon stresses of work, the wearing-off of the novelty of this town, facing my beliefs through the end of the barrel of another's.

I feel as though I'm experiencing just about every aspect of life at once.  Life, death, family, community, loneliness, home, homesickness, healing, sickness.  All of it, all in it's complex-confused glory.

And then I read this great article on Relevant on the reality of our relationship about God.  Just as I've been thinking about ow complicated life is, ow life isn't just "good," and isn't just "bad," and it's certainly not "inbetween," this article hit home.  Here's the past that it me most:

"These ideas are not opposed and...they must be understood together. I must see myself as clay under the hand of an artist or I won’t approach God with the complete reverence He deserves. But I must also see myself as a child or I won’t enter into the safety of His love to receive the gifts He offers. I must see myself as a servant or I will not serve anyone but myself. But I must also see myself as a friend of God or I won’t trust Him. I must see myself as a sheep or I may refuse to follow. But I must also see myself as the bride or I will miss the celebration."


Leave it to God to make my life into an object lesson, and I praise Him for that.  Without it - this would feel like a terribly worthless week.  I am far from believing that He caused everything that's happening - but boy has he turned these circumstances into something beautiful.  Something that can make me understand.


Life is complex.  And ya, so is our relationship with God.  It's a mixed bag, it's the world we live in.


The complexity in life is not good, or bad, or inbetween.  It's just the reality.


Good thing the complexity of God is good, is beautiful, is far less confused, if not less confusing.

I can't remember why I don't live here?

My conference this week went well.  Really well, actually.  Everyone was where they were supposed to be when they were supposed to be there.  People seemed to like the training.  We got a lot done.  People bonded and left in a great mood.  I was overall very pleased, pretty happy.  Content, really.

And then I got to Isla Vista.  And I remember how much I love this place and these people.  How much it makes my heart happy just to be here.  How very, very happy I am to be here.

I know this is just a visit, and a short one - not exactly like living here.  I don't want my college life back, and I don't ever want to live in IV again.  But after just being here for a day, my hands are almost back to normal, I am not stressed out, and I am so happy.

I had pretty good reasons for leaving, but I really can't quite figure out what they were.

And it wouldn't exactly suck to live near here again.

Who knows where life will take me next?  Santa Barbara?  Modesto?  Bay Area?  Another state?  I'm not sure - but I'm so up for whatever is next :)

 It's so nice when the Holy Spirit makes it first nature to be loving at patient with people.  It really, really sucks to turn it back to that when it's not your first reaction.

This morning started off just fine.  Made myself an americano, got to work on time, and everything was good.

And then it exploded.

Question after question after question about the conference I'm planning.  People are mad, people are unhappy, and that's all I hear. Issues with just about every plan for the conference.  And everyone is stressed.

And somewhere in the middle of it all, I lost my patience.  I lost my cool.

I'm generally calm, pretty stoic.  God has blessed me with a lot of patience and peace, and I love it.

Where did it go?  In all of the bustle and frustration, I've lost it.  I lost my ability to be loving and patient.  Where is the Holy Spirit, nudging me to keep my cool and exude the fruits if a life turned to God?

And then I came home to a letter, on the fridge.  And it got worse.

I'm over it.  I'm so over it all.

And I've lost my ability to be patient and loving as a first response.  That's the worst part.